140.2 Body Image!!!!!

That's what you get when you mess with HHCG and eat out of the 500 cal. diet order but its ok I will be ok.

2 mile run this morning, yes finally a minute of time for me.

Lunch: Fish with a tomato and an orange and 4 melba rounds. Lemon twist stevia in 2 liters of water. And of course the 10 HHCG drops under my tongue.

Dinner: grilled chicken with curry powder on it. Celery sticks and a wasa cracker. One rather large apple of a sour crisp variety, kept me having pucker thrills in my mouth. 10drops of HHCG and some fizzy vitamin D to. I have been taking this for about a week and I can really tell a difference.

Body image? What do you think about it?

The Hubby and I had a talk as we drove home from the Doc yesterday and this came up. My budding teens made me feel ugly as a mud fence, know this I was always as skinny as a rail then, so it had nothing to do with being fat just not pretty in the face is what I mean. Some but not many boys paid attention to me during those years. Then as I turned 18 into my 20's I was hot, I think I started realizing this when many boys paid attention to me but I still didn't keep much of a belief that I looked very hot. I still had this image that only certain guys liked certain kinds of looks. My Hubby of course went crazy over me, I had moved to this new town and met him. All of a sudden many guys were asking me out, he got all crazy possessive and didn't think it was funny to have other guys ask me out. So he remedied the problem and made me his forever. Well then there is the syndrome that some women suck into; I have my guy so I do not need to try so hard right, well I never really participated in it but I do recall after every pregnancy trying to get back that youthful skinny and a certain glint from a passing guys eye that would say yes I had it back or no I did not have it yet. Of course the Hubby still loved me no matter what.

Now today I told him that I had dressed to look very hot but not because I wanted anyone else to take a look, only because I wanted him to look and I almost couldn't pull the look off because of my scared feeling about others out there in the world maybe looking. Now this has only become a problem because I have finally lost back to a nice sized pants and skinny look but I still hide behind his protections and the fact that I do not have to attract anyone else. Whew thank goodness I do not have to be back in the dating space I am not sure I would do so well. I really have a hard time with the attention that comes now and I realize that many girls in this world that cover themselves with a layer of fat to protect themselves from attention must feel kind of like me today. I am glad this is not always how I feel because it sure could be disabling if a person let it be in their life.

I talked about how I really would rather not have any attention from others, especially guys and yet a person really has no control over that.

The hubby said he liked that I was trying to be healthier and active again and it's nice that the body is in better shape, back to what attracted him in the first place. He desired that I should keep dressing hot even if others paid attention because it would help me to keep feeling like staying in the healthy mode and that's the most important thing to him. He thinks that many guys were always attracted to me back before his day, but there is the phenomena that happens with a guy and they say "she is too pretty I do not have any kind of chance even getting a date with her so why try." So they don't even try and the girl may be left wondering what was wrong with her just because of what messages she is telling her own brain. Well my Hubby didn't care about that phenomena he was older and he knew what he wanted so he went for it. Besides we got set up on a blind date, I think that helps take away the messages that we tell ourselves that might be limiting when we first glance at a person and consider the potential asking out thought.

His goal is that we both get healthier and stay that way, besides we still have lots of kids that need to be raised. The most important to him is the healthy, looking good is a side benefit to boot. My benefit is he is loyal and keeps his manly attractions to others in check because bottom line our personal body image is all a part of what attracts or does not attract us to others.

So in conclusion I guess I just get to keep ignoring looks or statements and focus on being healthy because it is so very important.

Some links to lots of others comments on body image. Just click the linker number and read it.

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138.8 INCHES inches tiny little inches.

Maybe I should have titled it ounces ounces to get back to the lower weight that I had achieved. Today I will be sewing a homecoming dress and getting toilet paper someone for got to buy on the last grocery stock up and now the house is in serious trouble if there is no one left to hear the yell from the toilet throne. Which would be me since everyone is at school today. Yikes

Breakfast: Chocolate Stevia Water

Lunch: shrimp cooked in spinach with water, garlic salt, and curry powder, with my bread crumbs crushed into it. Then a lovely orange.

Dinner: I ate a salad from a deli with Chicken and lettuce and bought melba toasts. The apple was a good finish up to the whole meal. I am pretty sure that the chicken came under the 100 grams but I am not sure if it was cooked by a grill which is the best way to cook for this protocol.

Does it really matter what I look like? It does feel good when someone says you do not look old enough to have a 16 year old. Then they get an even bigger shock when I say I have one that is almost 20 and a half. Four years ago I looked old enough to have older children. Weight makes you age a lot and you do not realize how much until you lose and start looking years younger. So yes I guess in that sense it does matter how I look because I like looking young and kinda a bit young like my daughter.

146.4 Hope its not undone by tomarrow morn.

So I got up and used the hotels treadmill and bicycle. 4 miles on tread with one of them running miles. Then 2 miles on the bike. Not sure whether there was much hard workout to the bike thing but I felt pretty good.

I ate as close to 500 cal as is possible with tons of yummy around. Spinach salad and lunch meat. Celery, and ah chips and dips and of course a double birthday cake for two cute cousins. How do you resist that little bite. Like I said willpower and I hope it isn't to bad a derail.

Family was shocked some didn't recognize me, cousins wanted to know how much more I had lost since they had seen me just in April. And one sweet Aunt kept telling me how young I looked compared to the last time she had seen me especially with all the children that I had. Let me tell you it made my day especially when you are 43 years old like me.

I only ate the one meal picking through and trying to be careful. I did drink the dieters tea, travel makes me stuck inside and I am not into having one extra day of trouble. Seeing family is one of the greatest rewards that I got today.

152.6 Crazy but I want to feel the hungry feeling maybe it will say I am losing again!

That's it apple day is going to have to happen this is a stall at five days now and it has to be broken. I can't remember ever sitting at this weight in my life before.

It is also strange peoples reactions to gained and lost weight. After all the stress of my baby and the three years it took to recover or maybe I should call it a settling and easy spot to live with now. I have been able to see lots of reactions to my weight. First they would ask if I was pregnant. (Are you crazy I am going through the most stressful time of my life and I have a very unwell baby I am thinking to myself, plus my baby was still in the hospital 6 months later.)

Wow have you quit exercising? Now that the baby is home you should have all kinds of time.

( Like I have time, I spend all of my time pumping milk, feeding it to him, cleaning up his throw up and then repeating the whole process over again. Kick in breathing treatment times and putting back feeding tubes that came out with the throw up, and preparing for any upcoming Dr. visits and trying to eat myself, the school day ending for all the kids and trying to feed them too along with lets throw in a nurse visit and therapist visits at least once a week, NO there is no exercise time at all.)

Now shift to today down some 30 lbs in 4 months and they say things anywhere from WOW! to How skinny are you going to get to? Maybe you should let up on that running! You need some nutrition. You are looking really good! I didn't recognize you, you have lost so much. WHAT ARE YOU DOING GIRL???? The ultimate is the nurse who only knew me since my baby was born and asks what is so different about you other then you cut your hair. I see her every three months or so with my little guy. She is a nutritionist and into what is eaten by our little guy and what more I can get him to eat. She thought I looked great and for the most part others do to but it is crazy the range of emotions that are mixed when it comes to people and their weights.

Me, I just want to be able to sleep without an oxygen machine like the Dr. said I might need and to run a 5K and maybe a marathon and get back into the clothing that are in my closet and to keep up with my crazy busy houseful of boys and one pretty girl.

Not much to ask for is it.

Lunch: APPLES 6 to be exact and yummy water with chocolate stevia and HHCG to get the fat cells to release and burn up the rest. What a yummy meal that's going to be.

Photo shoot coming soon to the page.